As Seen On TV
by The Great Xul
Summary: What happens when Emma and Regina watch TV together? Ridiculousness, of course! SQ Collection of one-shots/ficlets (and maybe some drabbles), mostly crack.


**A/N: I've set the bar low enough that I might** ** **actually** be able to make a series from this theme. ;P **

"Queens Don't Tap"

It was late Saturday afternoon and Regina was kicked back on the sofa in her living room. While Emma and Henry were out, she liked to indulge in her secret passion for violence—specifically watching MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) on the TV— _undisturbed_. As the brunette lay curled up watching her favorite sport, she heard the front door open and shut and a few seconds later the distinct sound of boots being dropped to the floor in two successive thuds. Emma was finally home from her shift at the sheriff's station. The pestering should commence shortly. That had been the routine ever since she had allowed the other woman to move in to the mansion.

"Hey, I'm home!" The blonde announced as she made her way into the living room. "You look comfortable," she smiled as she observed the older woman dressed casually in black yoga pants and a charcoal gray v-neck t-shirt. Dressing down on weekends was a recent habit that she and Henry had gotten her into. Emma plopped down gracelessly on the sofa, bouncing Regina in the process.

"Do you mind, Miss Swan? I'm trying to watch this," Regina huffed, annoyed at being bounced, but not taking her eyes off the screen. Emma held up her hands palms outward and mockingly replied, "Oh, excuse me, Your Majesty. I wouldn't want to interrupt you while you're watching your blood sport." The blonde woman grinned at the former Queen. She loved to do little things to irritate the older woman, as was her habit. She figured she could have a little fun with her now after the boring day she spent down at the station. Emma had always thought Regina was pretty hot when she was riled up.

It still tickled her that the usually prim and proper woman had such a passion for a sport that some would call barbaric. "Ya know, I still can't get over how much you're into that. You can come off as such a priss. Yet here you are, the elegant and refined Regina Mills, sitting here watching a bunch of muscle-bound oafs pound each other into oblivion," Emma said teasingly. She herself quite liked a good fight after all, and it didn't _really_ surprise her that Regina liked the sport. She _was_ the formerly _Evil_ Queen after all.

Regina shot her a glare. She knew the younger woman was being deliberately annoying and just loved to agitate her. "I don't know why you'd be surprised, dear. We didn't have much for entertainment back in the Enchanted Forest and I always liked the tournaments we held at the castle. This isn't much different," Regina replied evenly and finished with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"Except without the armor and weapons." Emma pantomimed swinging a sword at the other woman while making whooshing and clashing noises.

"Obviously. But hand to hand fighting is basically the same in any realm." The brunette's eyes never left the action as she tried to ignore the younger woman's childish antics.

"I'm sure it's more of a science here, but yeah, whatever." Emma sighed and Regina continued watching the fight. "So when's the kid getting home?"

"He texted me a earlier to say that the baseball game was running a little late. He should be home within the hour."

"Okay then. I'm gonna go upstairs and change out of these clothes. Be back in a bit." Emma got up and headed upstairs.

"Thanks for the warning," Regina replied, eyes still glued to the TV as she absentmindedly waved a hand in Emma's direction.

* * *

A few minutes later Emma was back and had changed from her jeans and sweater into a pair of red plaid flannel pajama pants and a ratty old AC/DC Back In Black t-shirt. Regina spared a glance at her and then internally groaned. After the blonde's stint as The Dark One _no one_ wanted to see her _back in black_. She plopped down on the sofa once again. Regina huffed and rolled her eyes but said nothing. Emma sat quietly for a few minutes enjoying the action on the screen.

The Sheriff was too mischievous to hold her tongue for long. She finally snarked to Regina, "So what part about this do you like the best? The fighting skills, the blood loss, or the muscle-y sweaty half naked dudes?" The blonde grinned widely.

Regina narrowed her eyes at Emma and sassed, "Must you always be such an idiot, Miss Swan?" Then she deadpanned, "Wait, I take that back. You're idiocy is congenital. Of course you must be one."

Emma just continued to grin knowing she was getting under the older woman's skin.

Finally one of the fighters on the screen landed a solid punch to the other and knocked him to the mat. He then jumped on top of the man and began landing blows to his head. The fighter on the bottom tried to cover his head from the strikes, but then the one on top wrapped his arm around the downed man's neck and began a rear naked choke. The fighter on the bottom then tapped out.

"Meh, that's not so hard; I could totally do that," Emma boasted. "I bet _you_ can't do that." She nudged the other woman on her thigh with her toes trying to goad Regina into an impromptu grappling match.

The brunette swatted the offending foot away. "I've lead armies into battle, Miss Swan. You have no idea what I'm capable of."

"Gee, where've I heard that one before?" The blonde goofily grinned at the former Queen. "I've had cop training. And before that I was a bounty hunter. I'm used to taking people down and wrestling them into submission. What did _you_ do? Ride on a horse? Pffffft! C'mon, let's move some of this furniture out of the way and we can find out."

Surprisingly enough, Regina actually thought it might be fun to show the other woman just what she could do and wipe that smug look off of her face. Besides, she was never one to back down from a challenge, especially from the likes of Emma Swan. Regina had that wicked glint in her eye that Emma relished and her lips quirked up into a very Evil Queen-esque grin. "We'll be doing no such thing," Regina said assuredly. "You're too much of a bull in a china shop; you'll end up destroying my whole living room in the process. But if you _want_ to find out," she purred, "we can take it out back." There were a few minutes to spare between fights and she would enjoy teaching Emma a lesson.

Emma grinned widely. "You're on!"

* * *

"Okay, first some ground rules," Regina began. "No kicking, punching—especially in the face—," she shot Emma a pointed look, "elbowing, kneeing, biting, or hair pulling. You can only use wrestling, Judo, Jujitsu, or any other grappling techniques."

"Fine. And no using magic."

"And no whining when I beat you."

"Yeah, right. I'll have you tapped out in under two minutes."

"Like hell you will, Miss Swan." Regina quirked an eyebrow, "I am a Queen. I submit to no one…especially you."

Emma grinned at woman but then schooled her features and in her best Ivan Drago voice replied, "I will break you!"

Regina rolled her eyes. "You are _such_ an idiot."

"Maybe." Green eyes were twinkling. "Alright then, let's go!"

Both women began circling each other. Emma made the first move and tried to grab hold of Regina's wrist, but the brunette batted her hand away and smiled. "Nuh uh!" They continued circling and Regina then tried to shoot at Emma's leg for a takedown, but the blonde pushed the older woman's head down as she quickly backed out of the way. Regina growled in frustration as she quickly popped back up.

"Not so fast, Tiger!" Emma laughed. She then shot forward and caught the brunette under the arm and hip-tossed her to the ground, landing her on her ass. Regina growled again but immediately popped back up and lunged forward, football tackling the younger woman to the ground with a thud. Emma let out an audible _Oof_!

" _Jesus_ , woman!" she exclaimed, but then quickly flipped the brunette to the bottom. She was then just as quickly reversed. Regina grinned down at the blonde, but was suddenly flipped to the bottom again making an uncharacteristically unregal squeak. Emma thought she had gained the upper hand, but Regina grinned up at her and maneuvered her legs up and around the blonde's head while trapping one of her arms in a slick triangle choke.

"Shit!" Emma cursed as the older woman began to squeeze with her legs.

* * *

"Moooooms, I'm home!" The teen boy's deeper voice echoed through the house. "Hellooo?" No answer. _That's strange_ , he thought. He knew his mothers were home, both their cars were parked out front and his blonde mother's boots were dropped haphazardly just inside the front door. Henry toed off his sneakers and proceeded to the living room. The TV was on and there was a half empty glass of ice tea sitting on the coffee table. "Moooooms?" He called again. He couldn't hear any movement upstairs so he went on into the kitchen. When he looked out the window into the back yard he saw both his mothers rolling around in the grass. Henry squinted his eyes and furrowed his brow. _What the hell?_

The young brunet watched the action with bewilderment for a few minutes before he went out the back door and bounded down the few steps and out into the yard to where his mothers were.

"Uh, what are you guys doing?"

"Rasslin'." His blonde mother drawled.

"Teaching your mother a lesson," his brunette mother replied with an evil grin. "She thinks she can best me at MMA."

"Yeah, right. The only lesson I'm learning is…"

Henry cut his other mother off before she could finish. "Are you guys going to be finished before dinner or should I go ahead and order some pizza?" He folded his arms in front of him and quirked an eyebrow making him look ever so much like Regina. His mothers were being so absurd.

"We'll be finished as soon as your mother submits," his older mother gritted out as she squeezed a little harder.

"I dunno about that, kid. Your mother can't seem to tap me out because her thighs are too soft."

"They are not!"

"Uh, TMI guys." The teen scrunched up his face making him then look a lot like Emma.

Ignoring Henry, Emma continued with her taunting, hoping that the older woman would get agitated enough to make a mistake that she could exploit. "Sure they aren't, Regina. That's why it feels like I'm caught between two marshmallows." The blonde was grinning ear-to-ear and snickering. Henry grimaced. That was TMI for sure.

"Miss Swan, I'm warning you…"

"Ya know, Regina, soft thighs aren't so bad. They _do_ make good ear warmers."

"Ugh, jeez Ma, I'm right here! And I totally did not need to hear that," Henry groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head as if he could shake away the mental image like an Etch-A-Sketch. The mortification was clear on his face. "I'm going inside to order that pizza now." He turned and left, leaving his mothers still tangled up on the ground. He knew that as stubborn as both his mothers were, this could go on all night. He shuddered a little at the thought.

 _~Ten minutes later~_

"Just tap out, _Emma_!" Regina bruxed.

The blonde had tried to posture up several times, but Regina's hold remained in place—not quite tight enough to choke her out, but good enough to hold her in a not-so-comfortable position. "Hey, I wonder if anyone has one of those old Suzanne Somers Thigh Master exercisers for sale on Ebay? I should totally get you one." Emma paused for a moment in thought before continuing the affront on Regina's vanity, "Hell, isn't Suzanne Somers like pushing 70 or something? And she _looks_ great for her age! You gotta be close to 70, too. One of those things could do wonders for you."

Regina was seething by now and was about ready to murder the blonde. "I am _not_ 70."

"Sure you aren't"

"Oh yeah? Could a 70 year old do this?" At that, Regina tightly grabbed hold of Emma's trapped left arm with both of her hands and in one fluid motion released the triangle and flipped her right leg around the front of Emma's face while shifting her body sideways and then pulling Emma's arm forcefully back across her leg and into an arm bar.

"OW! OW! OW! Okay, okay! I'm tapping! I'm tapping!" Emma blurted out while frantically tapping her free hand on Regina's leg. The brunette released the blonde's arm and then stood regally and brushed herself off. She held her head high and said, "Come along, Miss Swan."

Emma jutted out her lower lip into a mighty pout and reluctantly got up while massaging at her arm. She dusted herself off and then followed in Regina's path, dragging her feet and grumbling the whole way.

Regina strutted back into the house triumphantly. She could smell the aroma of the freshly arrived pizza inside the house and strode into the living room where Henry was already sitting on the sofa, one pizza box out of two opened up on the coffee table. Regina gracefully sat down on the sofa beside him and helped herself to a slice of the hot pizza.

"Hey mom, I take it you won?" The boy grinned, a knowing glint in his eye.

"Of course sweetheart," Regina replied affectionately as Emma sulkily joined them. "Queens don't tap."

* * *

 **A/N: I'd like to say thank you in advance to anyone who likes, faves, follows, leaves comments, or is amused by any of my work. That's always a bit of a rush for me. Writing is not really my game, but occasionally I have a funny idea that needs to be written out. :)**


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